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I was, of course, behaving dysfunctionally. I realise that now. In moments of fleeting clarity, I wanted to understand what was happening to me. Who had Top 20 dating apps become?

Was it just my marriage problems, or was there something deeper causing me to behave that way? Should I be blaming my mother, or my chat rooms dublin mostly absent — father for feeling that something was eternally missing?

Psychologists seem to think so. I was born to a woman that didn't much want children, and who fell foul to postnatal depression a good couple of decades before the term was even coined.

My father leaving didn't help, and for the first six months of my life I was placed with a notional "auntie", a family friend who became my surrogate mother throughout my childhood. That initial separation, I later learned, all but ensured I would never be able to successfully bond with her. I'm in my mids now, and our relationship remains every bit as complicated today. As I have come to learn, most of those who grow up in a dysfunctional relationship are condemned to seek them out forevermore.

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But we can't blame our parents forever. In adulthood, I had become a rather complicated girlfriend, each relationship beginning well, but then growing fractured and ending badly. I am bound to say, though, that I wasn't solely culpable.

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The boyfriends were complicated themselves. I ended up marrying one of these complicated boyfriends. He chat rooms dublin by far the best of the bunch, a kind and generous man, but someone who could also be selfish and unfeeling. We had agreed, early on in our relationship, that we wouldn't have children. I was convinced I wouldn't make a very good mother and didn't want my son or daughter, in 40 years time, to dread calling me, fearful I'd berate them for some emotional crime or other.

A childfree marriage seemed to suit my husband. And life, at first, was good.

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Several friends, however, were convinced that our lack of children created a vacuum. My husband worked hard at his job and, to alleviate its accompanying pressures, developed his obsession with horse racing, gambling and drinking. He was out most nights, and many weekends. And me?


I was lonely. I had a husband, a home, yet I was missing something, intangible but palpable. This made me sad, depressed. So I looked elsewhere. I didn't want an affair, nothing grubby, nothing seedy. I still loved my husband, but I wanted adventure, excitement, a reminder I was still alive.

So I went online, and found a whole new world. I began chat rooms dublin to men online in private chat forums, concealing any obvious indentifiers of who I was but chat rooms dublin about my life, problems and thoughts. I became addicted to the attention and craved contact with the men I thought I had come to know. These conversations quickly developed into cybersex, each message becoming more adventurous and racy and allowing me to live out fantasies I would never contemplate doing in the real world.

I had never felt more desired in my life. My husband and I became strangers, our lives by now distinct entities.

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